


YOU AGAIN?

by Nytrodieth



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Cats, Gen, Heaven, Immortal Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Short One Shot, death (discworld) loves cats, death is a he here because terry pratchett, death is done with him either, god still doesn't want klaus in the afterlife, idk how you call the exact opposite of whump but this is it, just klaus being okay, klaus doesn't mind dying occasionally, so let's say post season 3, this does not fit into canon unless you squeeze it really hard, tired death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:28:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nytrodieth/pseuds/Nytrodieth
Summary: Klaus meets Death himself and they have a little talk.Again.If you haven't read sir Terry Pratchett's books, no worries.All you need to know is 1) there's Death 2) Death's a he 3) he TALKS LIKE THIS 4) he likes cats.
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves & Death, Klaus Hargreeves & God
Comments: 9
Kudos: 108





	YOU AGAIN?

The shimmering blade of the sharpest scythe there is cut through the air filled with dust and smoke. 

There was a scary being standing right in front of Klaus. A tall man dressed in black drapes with his face hidden under a hood and piercing blue eyes glowing in the darkness. He looked somehow professional, gloomy and, for some reason, very disturbingly recognizable.

Then there was that voice. 

I HAVE AN IMPRESSION WE'VE MET BEFORE. Death cocked his skull to the side, causing cervical vertebrae to shift from one another. The view was goddamn gruesome. 

\- Yeah, your face looks oddly familiar too, if I'm to be honest. - Klaus smiled charmingly. - Where do you think was that? At some disco? Cocktail bar? Huh... tall, thin, kinda goth... You do look like my type.

EXCUSE ME?

_ I'm kidding! Gee... I thought you have more sense of humor than that. 

THAT IS BECAUSE I DO. Death straightened up. I'M JUST NOT SENSING ANY HUMOR. 

\- Whoa, easy there. You're killing the mood. Force of habit, I assume.

NO.

\- Huh?

NO. 

\- I heard you! But what do you mean "no"? Killing is your job.

NO. 

_ I don't understand. 

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS DEATH. 

\- Okay, this wasn't... oh, oh I see what you did there. Nice one, nice one. - Klaus scratched the back of his head. - And actually, when you think about it... accusing you of killing would be just as correct as saying that water is wet. Right?

YOU ARE RIGHT, MISTER HARGREEVES.

\- Yeah, don't ever call me that again. Mister Hargreeves is my father and you know it, you've met him.

APOLOGIES. MAY I INTEREST YOU IN STEPPING INTO THE LIGHT, MISTER KLAUS?

\- Sure, sure. I don't intend on keeping you here for long. I just... ahh, I'm not ready for conversation with God yet. 

THAT ISN'T VERY UNLIKELY FOR HUMAN-BEINGS. MOST OF THEM FEAR THEIR LORD. 

\- No, no, it's just... I made a joke about her bike last time and she was pretty pissed. We don't get along well. Not that we did before, it's just... y'know, bad chemistry. I'm agnostic by the way, so there's that.

OH. 

\- Yeah.

THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PROPER THING TO SAY IN GOD'S FACE, agreed Death out of courtesy. 

\- Tell me about it. Alright. I promised I won't keep you here for long so... - Klaus closed his eyes, feeling his spiritual form start slowly fading away. - See you in a minute. Don't go very far away.

And then he disappeared.

Death didn't move. He just stared at the place Klaus's ghost was standing before. 

A stray cat walked towards him, meowing. Death looked at it, leant his scythe against a wall, scrunched down next to a dead body lying on the ground and petted the cat with his bony fingers. The cat purred.

They waited.

It took only four minutes for Klaus's ghost to reappear in a flash of light.  
He smiled and waved at Death with his tattooed hand. The tattoo was saying 'hello'.

Death looked at it with an unreadable - for obvious reasons - expression on his fleshless skull. 

\- Unsurprisingly, the girl upstairs still doesn't want me. - Klaus sighed, unbothered. - That's a nice floof you got there.

THANK YOU. IT IS CALLED A CAT.

_ Yes, I know. Thank you. My mistake, starting the small talk. Should I now... 

Klaus's ghost hesitated, looking at the dead body below him.

BE MY GUEST. 

The ghost shrugged and slowly lied down on the ground, filling the curled form of the corpse. Death grabbed his scythe again and sliced through the air.

There was a yelp. A gasp. And a shiver. The dead body raised to its knees and yawned.

\- I really dislike this part - Klaus said, his pale skin slowly turning back to its original colors. - It makes no sense. If you use your scythe for separating the soul from the body, why does merging them together look exactly the same? 

I MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, BUT THIS ISN'T A VERY COMMON PROCESS. THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THE UPSTAIRS TO COME UP WITH A SPECIFIC PROCEDURE FOR IT. BUT WHEN THEY WILL, I'LL SURELY BE THE FIRST ONE TO KNOW. 

\- And I'll probably be the second. - He sighed. - You should use duct tape. Like, really. That would be hilarious. And very metaphorical, might I add. A broken soul unable to fully connect with the organic vessel, yet taped together with it so they resemble some kind of unity before everyone else's eyes... I'm describing a dissociative disorder right now, aren't I? Or a very severe drug-connected hangover.

HOW WOULD I KNOW?

\- Right, right. Too fleshy and bony for you, I get it. Well... thanks for holding the door to eternity for me, I genuinely hope we won't be seeing each other anytime soon. As much as I adore you and respect your job, of course. 

TRY NOT TO KILL YOURSELF AGAIN, MISTER KLAUS. 

\- I'll put my best effort into that.

Death looked up at the sky.

NO YOU WON'T.

\- No I won't. I like hanging out with you, you're fun.

Then he waved his hand again - left one, this time - and rushed down the alley, going God only knows where.  
Or maybe even she doesn't. Maybe she doesn't care enough to know.  
Death smiled. Not that he had much of a choice in that matter.

And he silently followed Klaus. 

Like he usually did.

  


**Author's Note:**

> not a native English speaker  
> don't yell at me for hurting your grammar  
> or vocab  
> or feelings
> 
> please?


End file.
